Life in Bitesize

Posts Tagged ‘funny news

The best thing about flying model RC Planes? The crashes! If you need something to cheer you up, check this out:

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The health and safety brigade have found their next target – good old Father Christmas. Apparently he’s not a good role model, and they’ve accused him of promoting obesity and drink driving over the festive period. They claim that a fat, tipsy Father Christmas with no regard for health and safety sends out the wrong message to children, and they’d like to give him a makeover.

The tradition of leaving a glass of sherry out, they say, is promoting drink driving. With a few billion houses to visit at a rate of 1,400 per second, Santa would be over the legal drink-drive limit in a flash if he downed a 25ml measure of sherry with each delivery. By the end of the night he would be more than 47 million times over the limit.

They’ve also accused him of speeding. Taking time zones into account, Santa has about 31 hours to deliver an estimated 700 million gifts on Christmas Eve, and to accomplish this, his sleigh would need to be travelling at just under 1,600km (1,000 miles) a second, try that in a used car in Worcester! They also claim that he is never seen wearing a seatbelt or helmet and partakes in extreme sports such as roof surfing and chimney jumping.

Obesity is another charge – they claim he will consume around 31 billion calories in one night, quite enough to keep him going for the rest of the year…
So, poor Santa might be getting a makeover if they get their way. Somehow I can’t imagine any other image being quite as popular as the much-loved rotund version of our favourite icon.

In Germany, a student has been banned from riding bicycles, skateboards or any other unlicensed vehicles for 15 YEARS. All because he was caught “drunk-riding” after going to a party in June 2008. His alcohol blood level was 3 times the legal limit. Even drunk drivers don’t get banned for that long! I think drink drivers should definitely be made an example of, but most only get 1 or 2 years ban, and usually a nice little fine to go with. But 15 years, for riding a bike is a bit excessive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally against drink-driving – you’d never catch me driving my Ford Fiesta in Mid Sussex whilst drunk, but I do think the punishment should fit the crime.

He was initially fined €500, which he paid. But he was then ordered by the drivers’ licensing bureau to undergo a medical and psychological exam which would have cost another €500 – quite a lot for a student to have to pay out. So he ignored the letter, as he had no plans to apply for a driver’s license.

"(hic!) I'm ok, don't worry, I'm (hic!) fine"

He then received a letter telling him he was “no longer entitled to ride any leg-powered vehicle on public streets for fifteen years.” And if he wants to ride a bike before 2024, he must pay €25 each time. Slightly over the top, no? There isn’t a restriction, however, on him riding a horse, although he’s said he probably won’t be able to ride one as he’s allergic to horse hair – oh dear! Some people don’t have any luck do they?

This is such a cute story, I had to share it. These poor baby meerkats lost their mummy when they were just 2 days old, so they were given a surrogate mum – using a cuddly toy and a hot water bottle. The 5 orphaned pups have adapted nicely to their new mum and are growing fast.

You can’t not like meerkats, it’s not allowed. I think everyone fell in love with them when Meerkat Manor was first shown on TV. Watching the team drive around in their Suzuki Vitara 4×4 or whatever it was, finding different groups of meerkats, naming them all so we all got attached to them and then got upset when they were killed or kicked out of the group, and of course showing countless shots of them Standing Up when they look really cute. And who doesn’t like the Compare the Meerkat adverts? I don’t care how annoying it is, the guy is cute!

Where is this? Afghanistan? Iraq?… Oh no, it’s in Norfolk. Oh, and check out the cutesy ‘L’ plates –  bless!

The 8-tonne Spartan Armoured Personnel Carrier, more commonly seen fighting the Taliban, plunged into a garden fence earlier this week. It all ended well – no-one was hurt and the MoD insurers are paying for costs. Which is fair enough, as it has basically taken out the entire fence – slightly more damage than a Suzuki Swift would cause!

You do wonder how they lost control though?! I mean it looks like a fairly straight stretch of road, which shouldn’t be any trouble even for a learner driver. And come to that, don’t the army have extensive training grounds throughout the UK? So what is a learner driver doing on public roads? Oh well, it looks like they’re pretty embarrassed about the whole thing – check out the guy on the right with his head in his hands. Hahaha…

Here’s a nice story for a Friday morning. A duck called Brownie was saved by firefighters in a rescue operation after she got stuck in a water pipe. Her 13 year-old owner begged her parents to get help after she heard a quack coming from their pond’s overflow pipe. They didn’t think the crew would come out, but as there were no other emergencies, they decided to give it their best shot. The team of hero firefighters dug a trench to reach Brownie and she was finally rescued 6 hours later.

duck

Now. There are some scrooges out there who don’t think firemen should be rescuing ducks, saying it’s not a priority. Ok yeah, I’m sure that had an emergency call come up the guys would’ve left the duck to go and help out. But the fact is, it was a saturday morning, the guys were probably chilling out at the fire station playing cards.

If you hadn’t already guessed, I’m a big fan of firemen (what girl isn’t?) so I won’t have a word said against them. When I’m out and about and I see one of their fire trucks in Kent driving around I always give them a wave. After all, these guys risk their lives to save ours – not many people could do that.

If you happen to live in the Notting Hill area and you find some jokes lying around, they probably belong to Harry Enfield. The comedian’s laptop was stolen from his wife’s Mini Clubman and contained material for his upcoming series. The thieves apparently contacted Enfield and demanded just £750 for the safe return of the computer and the jokes.

Surely they could’ve asked for more? Perhaps they’re unconvinced by his recent work? Poor Harry – not only a stolen computer but harsh criticism of his work thrown in to boot.

tim

.. uh yah.. I seem to have misplaced my laptop

So if you come across Harry’s computer, please return it to him, the poor bloke deserves some good fortune.